Dear Mother Nature,

Why do you hate me? First is was those effing squirrels playing chicken with me, then it was that USMA (Unidentifiable Small Animal), and now you have resorted to using your army of Kamikaze ants to attack me.

While I’m sure that training these ants to jump off tall weeds and onto my legs is no small feat, I’d really rather they didn’t. I now have a trail of ant bites on my shin. As we all know, one of the reasons to run is to have great legs. Now, I just look like a post chicken pock victim.

I recycle. I reuse. I occasionally car-pool. I even wash the plastic silverware I use at work instead of throwing it away! What gives?

I hope you aren’t still pissed at all that AquaNet I used for my sweet teased bangs in middle school. I stopped that long ago and switched to the stupid non-aerosol hairspray that gets all stopped up and sticky. Just for you! In fact, I even made my poor mother create a compost heap in our front yard to be more environmentally friendly.

Alas, I wish we could have a cease fire Mother Nature. I sincerely apologize for any wrong doing and wish we could go back to being friends. After all, I probably spend more time outdoors than all non-runners that I know. And that means, I am out there, enjoying your splendor.

Please call off the Kamikaze ants, the effing squirrels, and the USMAs. Can’t we all just get along?


B.o.B., Nature Lover
(Well, nature appreciator, I won’t get too far ahead of myself here.)