After this weekend’s meltdown, I got a text from a dear friend who has been down this journey herself and who I consider a True North. We messaged about where my head currently is and how I need a reset. (I think I mentioned that in my last post.) She mentioned taking a day off from everything and just watching TV or reading a book, but NO triathlon talk and no training. After all, one day won’t derail my race.
I also got some emails and comments reminding me not to worry about time. As much as I wanted to be the person who could handle the stress of ironman training and not let it get to me, I am not that person. I actually thought I would get through the rest of this training without another crying jag. I clearly underestimated how much more tired I would become.
When I started this journey, I had said all along that I just wanted to finish. In fact, when I mentioned that to someone they pointed out how it is nuts to go after something where “just finishing” is a huge accomplishment. And you know what? It IS nuts and it IS a gigantic accomplishment no matter what the clock reads when you hear your name said with those four words.
I suppose somewhere along the lines I lost sight of that simple, yet perfectly rewarding goal. I started seeing friends finish races and discussing MPH and average run pace and plugging numbers into calculators. And I read facebook message boards about how many 100 mile rides should be done and who raced how many times and how they aren’t tired AT ALL and LOVE every minute of it! And gumdrops! And sugar plum fairies! And, oh Jesus, why am I so much more tired? And slow? And can’t climb as fast as everyone on the hills? And everything is sore! ALL THE FEELS! And guess what happened? I stressed myself right the fuck out.
Competitiveness can only help you if you can channel it properly. And in my current state of tiredness and over thinking, it led me to Meltdown City, Population: 1.
I needed a reset.
I took the solid advice to heart and shut down the Internets and the ugly voices inside my head and ignored ironman training for a full day. I slept in and went to work and had lunch with my wonderful Stepmom. On those downtimes when I had the urge to peek at a blog, I perused trashy websites that I’d recently replaced with all things triathlon. I am very thankful that the VMA’s and the Emmy’s were this week. (Holy crap! Did you see that amazing homage to the Britney-Justin Canadian tuxedo?) I got take out sushi, watched some random evening television, took a bubble bath and went to bed early and with a clear head.
The next morning, I got up to swim and actually couldn’t wait to hit the pool. I had fun with my sets and realized I more than needed that brain and body break. Sure, there are folks who don’t stress or obsess when it comes to training and racing and I think that’s wonderful. But, I’m not them and I think everyone experiences this stuff differently. I’d love to be less hard on myself and skip down the street over rainbows, but that’s not my path this time or maybe even ever. And that’s ok. I’m ever a work in progress.
And just because I want you guys to know that I have more fun-B.o.B.-type posts in me, instead of all this emotional crap, here’s an lolcat.